God, Do You Still Love Me?Wendar FuIt’s the beginning of another new year again. Thinking back through the past two years, I had experienced darkness and treachery in human nature, had undergone many inexpressibly painful ordeals, and had a taste of how Jesus felt when he was betrayed and denied by his closest and beloved followers. Obediently, I took up my own cross and embarked on the desolate road in the wilderness that God had laid out for me. Although I believed that whatever God prepares for me cannot be wrong, I also knew that trials and tribulations are necessary and inevitable, but my emotions could not stop feeling hurt for a very long time, as if my wounds were cut open repeatedly each and every time I was reminded of the events. I understood that what appears to be good from a human perspective is not always regarded as such by God. I had also learned from the Bible that all of God’s servants, including Jesus, must face attacks and suppression from Satan and the world. However, my heart often doubted God, refusing to understand why he would lead me on such a rough road, and rejecting the lessons he was trying to teach me. I had even begun to think that God did not love me any more, and that He had abandoned me in my time of need and was punishing me severely for past transgressions. If God loved me, how could he let me suffer this way when all I wanted was to follow him? How could he turn his face from me when the unjust trampled over me? Why did he not answer my desperate prayers and cries for help? Like a clock’s pendulum, my thoughts went back and forth between two extremes: Sometimes I followed God’s columns of cloud and fire closely with very strong faith and determination, believing God would lead me to the promise land; but sometimes I lost faith and hope completely, and my emotions plunged into deep depression. I was unable to sleep well for days, and my health deteriorated drastically. I did not want to continue living a life like this, so I sought God fervently in the Scriptures and in prayer, but somehow I kept receiving an incomplete message. It seemed like God was giving me a beautiful promise, but would not allow me to see clearly what the promise was. I was like a blind person in a completely foreign place guided only by God, and had absolutely no clue where my next step would be. I had lost my self-confidence, and the only thing I could do was patiently wait for God’s guidance. Although the economy in United States has been stagnant over the past few years, and the situation in the Silicon Valley appeared to be even worse than in other regions, God had miraculously preserved our family on numerous occasions. Not only did God buy a new car for us, he even sent us once again to our favorite vacation destination, Hawaii, during last summer. I looked forward to this trip very much, hoping to receive answers for my queries from God in beautiful Hawaii. I had wanted to leave my familiar everyday environment and visit a new place, where I could be fully immersed in God’s presence during Mass without needing to focus on servicing tasks. In lovely Hawaii, we thankfully enjoyed all the things God had bestowed on us. The resort accommodations, the delicious food, the beautiful tropical beaches, the entertaining recreational attractions, … everything was wonderful; it was almost like living in paradise. My pressures and heavy burdens seemed to gradually lighten as the past drifted far away. At the time, I longed to live forever in this island paradise and to never have to return home. However, no matter how enjoyable our vacation was, I knew all of these were transient and mere vanity. What my heart really wanted was God; I needed his love, I needed to know what he had prepared for me, I needed to know what lay at the end of the tunnel of darkness. Whenever my two sons were building sand castles, swimming, and exploring at the beaches, I would seek God by praying, meditating, and reading the Bible and other spiritual books. When we went for walks on the beach after dinner, I would continue to wait for God’s answer. When my kids contently fell into deep and sweet dreams each evening, I continued my search for answers. My God! Please do not play hide-and-seek with me any longer, I don’t know if I can persist much longer, please do not let me give up until I find you. My husband, Tony, saw my afflictions and struggles, but was unable to help me. Due to his very busy work schedule, we had not had an opportunity for a long talk. Finally one night during this vacation trip, we were able to have a long conversation after our kids went to sleep. Tony was very understanding about what I had been through and how I felt, but he shared with me his point of view. He believes God uses trials in my life to purify my spirit, to help me grow stronger spiritually, to teach me to allow God to lead my life and to follow his guidance. Although it can be a very painful process, it is truly God’s blessing. He then shared some true-life experiences to help me understand his views, and said that it is better to be cleansed earlier than later, because we can receive the benefits and reap its rewards sooner, and to become a more useful vessel of God. He expressed that he would rather be a purified little servant than a famous or prominent person who is unclean and unusable by God, not knowing whether he could enter heaven at the final moment. I already knew about the points he shared with me; not only had I heard them many times in the past, I had even said them a few times myself! However, on that night, Tony’s sharing was like a warm current that flowed into my heart, and I began to sense a ray of light and hope in the dreadful darkness. At the same time, I also felt extremely sinful for all I had done; not only had I not shown any gratitude to God for his teachings and guidance, I had even complained constantly against him. O Lord, my God, please forgive me, please do not give up on me, do not abandon me. I need you so desperately! Who can I turn to besides you? That evening, I asked Tony to pray for me. While he prayed, I pleaded to God for his forgiveness for my blindness, my resentful grumbles, my lack of faith, my impatience, … my multitudes of sin. I prayed that I was willing to accept his cleansing, and thanked him for his teachings. I also prayed that God would bless me with much faith, patience and endurance to complete the road ahead of me. The next day was a Sunday, and we attended Mass at St. Jude Church in Kapolei, a city near our hotel. The church was completely full. The gospel reading was Matthew 10:26,33. After all the readings, we listened to the homily. The priest explained the gospel, saying that since we are worth much more than sparrows, we should not be afraid, for if God will take care of even the sparrow, he would take care of everything, including us. He went on to say that too often we are unable to sense God’s love for us. He then raised his hand and pointed toward one area of the church, and asked in a loud voice, “Do you know how much God loves you?” Then he pointed to another side and asked the same question. After that, he changed direction again, and pointed his finger straight at me and said, “And you? Do you know how deeply God loves you? Do you?” My heart began to shudder, and tears gushed out of my eyes. It was God pointing at me, telling me he loves me so much and so deeply, telling me that I “must” know this! The priest then went on to say that God loves us so much to the point that he sent his only son, Jesus Christ, to die a grievous and tragic death for us, yet completely willingly. Jesus’ death and his precious blood became the ransom for our eternal redemption, so that we might not perish but have eternal life. The priest’s every word pierced my heart like a sharp knife; I could not stop crying the whole time, because I knew my doubting had hurt my Lord’s heart. Nevertheless, that day I also received a new sense of gratification, because God loves me. I no longer need to know what God has prepared for me ahead of time. I do not need to be fearful any longer. I do not need to be doubtful any more. Everything is fine as long as my Lord, the one who loves me so deeply, is leading my way. <
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